Under Construction

Ok...so it's been a while. Over a month. Well, it's not exactly because nothing has been on my mind worth blogging about, but more so it's been there's too much for me to blog about and I don't know how to form all my thoughts together. This blogging thing is kinda harder than I thought it would be. I guess it's that fear that my thoughts will sound so confusing and make sense only to myself that no one will really care what I'm writing because it won't make any sense.

Anyway. So as of late I've been feeling like a road under construction. That just as you get cruising and construction seems to be coming to a close - along comes the bulldozer to dig things up again for phase 2 or 3 or 4. Ok...so my family is in the process of growing in numbers. Long story short, last fall my husband and I made the decision to adopt from our state system. I am thrilled and excited about all of this, however what I've found is that God is using it as a way of growing, stretching and molding me into who He wants me to be and I haven't really been all that cooperative during the process. I mean, I want to grow...and I believe I am growing I just sometimes have to hit myself over the head to realize, "ahh, helloooo, do you see what God is trying to show you here?"

I've been reading a lot of books lately about growing with God and my desire to be in His will. I want so badly sometimes to be in His will and I think that in itself hinders me because I want to control how I'm in His will. When obviously to be in His will I must totally and completely surrender myself to Him. I picked up a small but profound book this morning by a wise monk named brother Lawrence called "the practice of the prescense of OF GOD". In it he talks about how he learned an important lesson through each daily chore: The time he spent in communion with the Lord should be the same, whether he was bustling around in the kitchen - or on his kness in prayer. This book has really got me thinking and realizing that I'm really not allowing myself to fully experience God's presence in me as much as I could and should be. God is with me (and you) all the time. And for some reason, we often think that we can only truly access Him when we are on our knees or bowing our heads in prayer. Why is that?

I'm realizing that if I just humble myself and abide in Him that I will be in His will. Why must I complicate it so much?! I want to do amazing things for God. I want God to work through me in amazing ways. But more often than not, I want these things so badly that I myself am the very thing standing in the way of God doing such things in and through me. Ugh, it can really get frustrating at times and it's those times that I suppose I am most grateful for His grace.

I wonder....am I alone or do others truly experience the same frustrations as me?